Trauma and Triggers

I won’t write about the most traumatic things I’ve experienced. Some people I know have shared much worse than anything I’ve gone through – I commend them for their bravery. I’m not that strong.

So you won’t hear much on this blog about the details of my successful survivicides (yep – I’m making that word up, and using it in Scrabble, too!), or the triggers that they left embedded deep in my brain. (Besides, I might be a superhero one day, and an evil nemesis may read this blog and discover my weaknesses).

However, I do have a good example of a trigger that resulted in an embarrassing accident last night.

I’ve been working with a counselor to purge the image of a truck grill and headlights – that was what I saw in my rear view mirror just before my accident in May. It took me almost three months, but I was finally able to drive again (see my previous posts). I am still recovering physically.

Last night, I picked up a Zipcar (I don’t own a car – I book cars through a car share company). I was backing out of the lot, when I saw a fast moving grill and headlights coming towards me from the side.

I panicked. I knew no people where behind me (I had checked before I began backing out), so I hit the accelerator and reversed, hard, into a cement pole.

It turned out it was only a black Mercedes with a large grill and big headlights. It roared past, right in front of me. I put my head down on the wheel, ashamed.

Triggers are powerful things. Like the time I cried on my laptop (see my post “Trigger – Not Just a Famous Horse”), this one caught me by surprise.

I won’t be driving again until I get more therapy. I know I can beat it, because I beat the triggers from my survivicides.

But in the meantime, don’t get any bright ideas about dressing up in a big grill with headlights and jumping out in front of me.

Trigger - Not Just a Famous Horse

It's the end of a hard day, and I am proud of myself.

I didn't do everything on my self-care list (see my previous post), and I certainly didn't get any of the things done that I normally would when I'm feeling well. My wife is away for the week, but in spite of that I still sent the kids to school in clean clothes and with healthy lunches; I fed them a nice dinner; and I've just finished telling a story and tucking them into bed. I think that's a pretty productive day for a depressed person.

I'm still depressed, but it's not as bad as when I woke up this morning. That's what happens when my mood is still good enough that I can make my brain focus on the positives, and avoid the dreaded downward spiral.

One technique I use is finding triggers for positive emotions. A good friend coached me on making a list of things that make me happy. She started me off at twenty-five items. Then another twenty-five. Now it is up to one-hundred things - some small, like smelling a flower; and some large, like going on a trip. Today I have a bowl of fragrant flowers on our kitchen table, and I keep looking at them and smelling them. It helps. So does playing Halo. (I know this is wrong - as a librarian I should be advocating reading over violent video games. But Halo makes me happy).

I have some very negative triggers, too. These are generally from traumatic events, and they fade over time. My worst ones involve self-harm, and have required therapy.

Today I looked up the music video for a song that is on my list of things that make me happy. In the middle of the video, which I was enjoying for the first time, was a terrifying trigger for me. I cried for ten minutes on my laptop (the tears didn't wreck it - thumbs up, Acer!). Then I smelled the flowers.

When dealing with a bad emotional trigger, I was taught to stand back and observe it with my rational mind, and say "Hmmmm...that's an interesting reaction, but I am safe, and that is just a trigger." But sometimes things like a pop song music video will catch you off guard.

Challenge yourself to make a list of just twenty-five things that make you happy. Use all of your senses. Even if you are not mentally ill, knowing what triggers your happiness will make you a happier person. Guaranteed. ;)