How I Beat Depression Today

I don’t know why it’s been so hard today.

That is one of the very frustrating things about mental illness. Feelings happen for no reason.

Try thinking of it this way. As your read this, your right hand suddenly punches you in the face.

Pretty scary, isn’t it? Because you should be in control of that hand, but instead it just hurt you. For no damn reason at all it just hurt you. And you didn’t see it coming.

That’s what today has been like. I was sad yesterday, and even more so today – my brain is giving me a major smackdown. I don’t know why. People often try to find reasons for me (“Oh, the weather’s changed,” or “It’s been hard for you with Teresa in the hospital.”) but really, today there is no reason.

So this is how I got through the day, and why I am able to write this post tonight:

-        I focused on people other than myself. I took the kids out to see their mom, and we all had brunch together. I gave apples to some of my neighbours. I spent time individually with my son and my daughter.

-        I got exercise. Even though I didn’t want to, I went for a run/walk. On the way I ran into one of my favourite people and her daughter. That really made the excursion worthwhile.

-        I spent twenty minutes stretching.

-        I did deep breathing.

-        I practiced mindfulness by learning something new (I took out my wife’s sewing machine, and with the help of YouTube, sewed two pairs of pants for my daughter’s “One Direction” dolls (Niall and Liam)). Concentrating so hard on something really puts me in the present, and focuses my thinking.

I didn’t do everything textbook. I ate poorly, for example. I also should have gotten some rest. But in the main, this worked for today, and kept the downward spiral at bay.

I am functional tonight, and will see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, my brain will surprise me with a better mood instead of a punch to the face.

How I Made it Through Yesterday

Normally, I would remain severely depressed for between five to ten days, and would not have posted anything to this blog.

Today I woke up, and I feel surprisingly good. My Moodscope score (see www.moodscope.com for information on Moodscope, or my earlier post) shows me in the low normal range. I am shocked. This is a first.

I am also cautious - my scores tend to spike one day, and dip the next. So tomorrow may be different. But this is new for me to have one day so very low, and the next so very high.

So...what has changed?

I have been on new medication for a month. That may be helping.

My Moodscope buddies (a couple of friends who monitor my scores) went out of their way yesterday to ensure that I did healthy things to break the downward spiral.

Members of my family called to check in with me.

I really focused on my kids (a friend is over right now for a sleepover - I had to listen to a lot of One Direction, which should have made me more depressed, but didn't. Stop laughing, Sasha!).

A neighbour brought over food.

Another neighbour brought fresh-picked fruit.

And I was overwhelmed by messages and posts of support through Facebook e-mail. It was almost a full-time job answering them.

I did not start this blog to get support - in fact, I wasn't sure that anyone would read it. It is an outlet for me to share stories that I have not had an opportunity to tell. Just writing them down is therapy for me.

I have rarely asked for help (a symptom of my social anxiety disorder) and certainly don't want sympathy. I find it very difficult to let people know what I need.

So...what have I learned?

In spite of my anxiety, I will talk to some friends and family when I start feeling depressed - it seems to help break the downward cycle.

I will let my Moodscope buddies cajole me into doing healthy things.

I will ask for help when I need it.

I won't hesitate to order pizza instead of making dinner.

I will do at least one nice thing just for me, to remind myself that I deserve nice things. (Yesterday it was a vanilla frappe from Starbucks. Yummy.).

Thanks, everyone. You're the best! I don't know what tomorrow may bring, but I am feeling pretty good today and, and am so grateful to know that so many people care. You all made a big difference in my life yesterday.

Around the Moon

Two days ago I was at a point where I would have called in sick to work.

Today it is worse. I am not functioning well. My mood chart shows that typical spiky downward trend into my depressed phase, even factoring in the awful things that have happened over the past couple of weeks.

I hope that this is the bottom, but it is not likely. So, I will be focusing all of my energy on being well and looking after my family. If it gets any worse than this I will see my doctor (my friends will make sure of that), and make sure I have proper support.

I think of it like the moon missions. Once the Apollo spacecraft passed behind the moon, all contact with it was lost until it reappeared on the other side.

So, I won't be blogging for a few days until I round the moon and start on an upward swing again.

I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Stay well, everyone.

D'Arcy

The Black Age and Five Pillars

I am feeling really depressed tonight, but not so bad that I can't make some bread in my bread machine (it smells great - it's one of the things on my "happy" list), and make a brief blog entry (it also makes me feel good).

At Vancouver General Hospital I was priviledged to meet a psychiatrist named Dr. Singh. In a twenty minute talk, I learned a lot about life. Here is a little piece of what he shared with me:

"There was a golden age, when people had strong relationships with each other and cared for one another.

Then there was a silver age, where people still cared for one another, but became more separate and competed with other groups.

We are living in a black age. That is why you will be rejected outside of this hospital for your condition, except for a few people who will understand. This age will pass, but it will be beyond our lifetimes.

There are five pillars you must keep strong:

The first pillar is proper breathing. Without breath, you will die in five minutes.

The second pillar is water. Without proper hydration, you will die within a day or two.

The third pillar is food. Without proper food, you will die within weeks.

The fourth pillar is exercise. Without a strong body, you will not enjoy life.

The final pillar is your mind. A strong mind ensures that all of the other pillars are strong."

You know what's really interesting? Studies are showing that doing deep belly breathing (but not holding the breath after the intake - releasing it immediately) is often as effective at reducing anxiety as medication. The hypothesis is that as long as your brain gets lots of oxygen, it knows that it's not in danger, and relaxes your nervous system.

Anyhow, I'm off to look at my bread - it makes me happy to look at bread. I'm also going to do some deep breathing.

Thanks for reading this - it also makes me happy to know that people are enjoying what I write. ;)

What Depression Feels Like

A lot of people have been messaging me on Facebook with thanks (makes me feel really good!) and questions. A lot of the questions have been around understanding depression.

Here is what depression is like for me. In the early stages, people don't notice it at all. But in my mind there is a feeling of despair. However, I don't talk about it because I don't want to trouble anyone. I am hoping it just goes away.

As the depression grows, I try extra hard not to be a burden. I withdraw from social activities, stop talking with friends, and pretend that everything is alright.

Soon I have to start calling in sick to work, because my brain has stopped functioning at a high enough level to cope with anything. I start to cry for no reason. I don't want to get out of bed.

Finally, I get intrusive thoughts of killing myself. Everything feels hopeless. Doing the simplest task feels impossible. Life is pain. I still don't want to be a burden, but don't know how to end the pain. I contemplate suicide.

The end stage is like a dream. I cry uncontrollably, and the psychic pain is overwhelming. It doesn't matter what anyone says to me, or what reality is - I want to hurt myself. Often, after recovering from an episode like this, I will have little memory of it.

When I am this depressed, I will lie about how I am feeling. I cannot be trusted to see a doctor or to get myself any help. I will overshare personal details (the last time was with my boss - thank God she is a wonderful person whom I can trust!).

Now, I use techniques like CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to try and stop the downward spiral. It's hard though - a lot of work. I also have a network of friends who have a list of my symptoms, and will make me get help before things get too bad.

For people I know who repress their feelings of depression, I notice that it often manifests itself as physical pain, irritability or even anger.

In Vancouver, Surrey and several other cities across Canada, you can access a psychiatrist within weeks at a Mood Disorders Association clinic, with a referral from your doctor. Any doctor in Vancouver can also refer you to a CBT class at your local hospital.

Mental note: Learn mindfullness and practice meditation - both help stop depression.