Losing My Marbles

The Mood Disorders Association of BC describes mental illness like this:

Everyone has a jar with marbles. Some people are born with a lot of marbles, others with less (this is called "genetic predisposition").

Stress in our lives add marbles to the jar. When the jar overflows, you develop a mental illness. (Probably why so many soldiers develop mental illness in the form of PTSD after experiencing combat. That's a LOT of marbles).

Medication and counselling can help you lose your marbles. ;)

You can build a cap on your jar called "resiliency" by doing things to keep mentally fit like eating a proper diet, exercising, meditating and getting enough sleep; and not doing things that are risk factors like drinking, smoking pot (ironically, hard drugs don't seem to be a risk factor. Go figure), and not sleeping.

If you have lost your resiliency and your jar is overflowing with marbles, then you have a problem that needs treatment.

My jar recently became full, my reliency dissolved, and my bipolar disorder and anxiety flared up - badly. I am on medical leave right now as I work on losing my marbles. I started cycling rapidly between extreme hypomania and extreme depression (I have been going from bottom to top in one week, but thanks to treatment I have started to just be hypomanic - at least for the last few weeks). The hypomania can be pretty funny (and cause me to write lots of blog posts), the depression not so much (it's made me suicidal a couple of times in the last few months).

Here is a photo of what I was working on the other night while I was hypomanic and couldn't sleep, in spite of taking tranquillizers:

 



It's a magnifying glass that you aim at the Eastern horizon. When the sun comes up it focuses light on the tiny rose you can see in the top middle, just above the table. The rose has a photo-sensitive diode in it, and is attached to a circuit that activates a vibrating motor from an old X-Box controller. The motor then gently rings two antique bells I inherited from my grandmother. It's a sunrise alarm.

I stayed up almost all night working on this. When I get hypomanic, I work on things until they are done. My son came home from his night shift. After talking with him (I talk a lot when I'm hypomanic) I realized that this was crazy, stopped the project, and got some sleep instead of finishing it. It will probably stay unfinished, now, because the process was interrupted - and that's a good thing!

Mania makes your brain work in overdrive, until it finally becomes clogged with ideas. Some of the ideas are great (like my home-made aquarium filter that I built out of coffee filters, cheesecloth and charcoal), and many are bizarre (like my idea to create a cat food with things in it that will make a litter box smell nice. I named it "poo-pourri"). It also causes me to post too much on my blog.

So here's hoping I lose my marbles soon, so I can return to the work and a "normal" life. I hope you all lose some marbles, too. :)

What Depression Feels Like

A lot of people have been messaging me on Facebook with thanks (makes me feel really good!) and questions. A lot of the questions have been around understanding depression.

Here is what depression is like for me. In the early stages, people don't notice it at all. But in my mind there is a feeling of despair. However, I don't talk about it because I don't want to trouble anyone. I am hoping it just goes away.

As the depression grows, I try extra hard not to be a burden. I withdraw from social activities, stop talking with friends, and pretend that everything is alright.

Soon I have to start calling in sick to work, because my brain has stopped functioning at a high enough level to cope with anything. I start to cry for no reason. I don't want to get out of bed.

Finally, I get intrusive thoughts of killing myself. Everything feels hopeless. Doing the simplest task feels impossible. Life is pain. I still don't want to be a burden, but don't know how to end the pain. I contemplate suicide.

The end stage is like a dream. I cry uncontrollably, and the psychic pain is overwhelming. It doesn't matter what anyone says to me, or what reality is - I want to hurt myself. Often, after recovering from an episode like this, I will have little memory of it.

When I am this depressed, I will lie about how I am feeling. I cannot be trusted to see a doctor or to get myself any help. I will overshare personal details (the last time was with my boss - thank God she is a wonderful person whom I can trust!).

Now, I use techniques like CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to try and stop the downward spiral. It's hard though - a lot of work. I also have a network of friends who have a list of my symptoms, and will make me get help before things get too bad.

For people I know who repress their feelings of depression, I notice that it often manifests itself as physical pain, irritability or even anger.

In Vancouver, Surrey and several other cities across Canada, you can access a psychiatrist within weeks at a Mood Disorders Association clinic, with a referral from your doctor. Any doctor in Vancouver can also refer you to a CBT class at your local hospital.

Mental note: Learn mindfullness and practice meditation - both help stop depression.