I’ve only recently been diagnosed with Social Anxiety
Disorder. It often accompanies Bipolar Disorder. Again, it’s like getting a
pair of glasses for the first time – I thought everyone felt the same as I did.
Turns out you all don’t.
I have lots and lots of friends, but I rarely call them or
see them. They are either people I work with or neighbours. Doing something
social is a rarity – when I’m invited, I usually panic inside and decline – it’s
like a reflex.
I haven’t kept any of the friends I made in high school,
college or university.
I have trouble asking for help. I’ve gone through some
pretty tough times, but have always avoided seeking assistance – just the
thought of it makes me cringe.
I get super anxious thinking about parties, meetings, or other
gatherings. When I go, I tend to talk to one or two people, and then sneak
away.
My anxiety causes me to forget names. When I’m introduced, I’m
so stressed that the name just flies by.
The biggest pain this has caused me is my drift away from my
relatives. It’s insidious – everything is fine one day, and then I forget to
return a phone call. The anxiety about not returning the call grows and grows,
until it is huge. I become totally impaired, and separated.
I now have no contact with any of my aunts, uncles or cousins,
save for a second cousin once removed. I have gone long stretches when I have
been very unwell where I have had little contact with my siblings.
I wish this would just stop, but it’s going to take a lot of
work. Some of the medication I’m taking will help, but the more important thing
right now is to get my bipolar disorder under control.
Anyhow, that is only a brief introduction to SAD and how it
affects me. Please don’t feel badly for me – I’m used to it and assumed for
almost my whole life that it is normal. If you run into me on the street (I’m
pretty easy to recognize) please introduce yourself and ask me to explain more.
I will say hello, immediately forget your name, and happily chat
with you – all the while panicking a bit on the inside.
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